Horrorscopes
&
Terror Readings
By The Contessa Bledoutzi Tumuchy
The Contessa comes to us from the Old Country, a seasoned immortal fortune teller who honed her craft traveling the back roads and verdant hills of ancient Italia. The Contessa was sprung from humble beginnings – born with the gift of prophecy and great beauty, to traveling peasant fruit mongers during the Middle Ages. As she grew, knowledge of her beauty and her gift of sight soon spread from Genoa to Florence. In the 1400’s she married a Count in Venice and received her title as the Contessa Bledoutzi from the House of Tumuchy– it was common knowledge that the Count was a vampyre and wishing to preserve the Contessa’s beauty for all eternity made her immortal. He was mysteriously impaled with a wooden stake after an unfortunate incident when he was caught with his pantaloons down atop the local milk maid. The Count was Tumuchy no more. The Contessa shed one solitary tear, buried him face down in a lead coffin, and then got on with her undead life. She enjoys gardening at midnight, summoning her tarots to write the Horrorscope and Terror Reading column for The Vamp Empire, and having guests over for her dinner. Although she is known for her great wisdom, she is also known for her murderous temper, therefore we cannot vouch for the veracity of her fortune telling…and we would never tell her that to her face. So Mote It Be.
my darrrrlings,
it is with great pleasure that I dust off my crystal ball and remove the cobwebs from my tarot deck to contribute to The Vamp Empire. How could I refuse my dear friend, Empira, who summoned me from my posh Villa in Venice and procured my passage to La Florida on one of those ships that fly in the sky? It was most unpleasant to travel with the peasants, as she booked my flight on coach, middle seat, sandwiched between two snotty little mortal children – but who am I to complain? I suppose this is punishment for draining her favorite violinist in 1772. It is my fervent hope to bring the Vampdom and other worldly beings from our mystical realm a monthly message from the cosmic ethos so that we may collectively heed the insight for our own survival as we navigate the insanity of this current era. Being that we are all mostly undead or supernatural beings…does it really even matter? Darlings, of course it does! Alas, I have survived centuries, seen many wars, the rise and fall of Fascist regimes…as long as our kind and mystical brethren coexist in peace and stand together…this too shall pass.
a monthly message
cancer & the chariot
My darrrrlings, July has been a miserable month. There is nothing much to say here since it is almost over at the time of this posting (Empira summoned me much too late and booked me on that horrid flight) and the month is practically in the throes of its death now miserably melting in this Godforsaken heat wave. The only ones happy are the alligators surrounding the Alcatraz of the swamplands. Where are my witches and why haven’t you taken care of that little situation out in the Everglades? This is the Cancerian month of the zodiac and we can all learn from the crab, which is a resilient little creature both on land and at sea. The crab, as does the tarot of the month, The Chariot, reminds us all to persevere in the face of adversity and that’s what we must all do. Do you hear that Mags the Seraphim? All of us. The Collective. Be the crab just try not to catch any.
June 22 - July 22
dark thoughts
Leave us your comments
We are dying to hear from you—leave a comment below and share your thoughts with us.
Spread the Word:
Want your shop featured or reviewed? For metaphysical shop features, tarot reader spotlights, and celestial exposés, contact us at pr@thevampempire.com.
Hosting a ritual, reading, or spiritual gathering? Contact us to share the details—we’ll add it to the site and maybe even come review it. We love to emerge from the crypt when the stars align.